"I am so indescribably envious of these people - the people with plans, the people who have made their minds up about everything. I hate them. I want to be one of them."

"Pick a college. Pick a career. Pick a girl. Pick a government. Pick a toilet. Pick a personality. Pick a frickin'... I don't know but LOTS of things."

"maybe I'll still be me, but I'll just be the best bits of me, and less of the crap bits."

"I am a socially inept, romantically dysfunctional, potty-mouthed tosser and COMPLETE FRICKING IDIOT!"

"Sometimes things happen in your life that are so EARTH-SHATTERINGLY HUGE that, all of a sudden, they make the rest of your life seem tiny and unimportant by comparison."

"It was also the moment that I fell a little bit in love with her."

"What if I make the wrong decision? What if I make all the wrong decisions? What if I mess up my entire life by making a series of dodgy choices?"

"So much pressure to look cool, act cool, be an entertaining participant in conversations, not to be a nob..."

"make-up is a lie that girls wear every day of their lives."

"Have you ever considered that your life might actually be cursed?"

"Why are we being forced to choose what we do for the rest of our lives when we are barely out of childhood?"

"Deep down inside I know that if I try for this, and don't stop trying, then I will get there in the end."

"Goals are nothing but another way to log all the things you've failed at in life."

"If you're trying to be smooth, it usually helps to plan your words beforehand, you know, to maximise flattery and minimise twattery.

"Life always has a funny way of reminding you that, no matter how bad things might seem, it can always be worse. I just wish life would attempt teaching theory rather than always resorting to practical."

"I am organic. I am a sprawling mess. And that's how I like it."

Review:
- the first time a book has ever made me laugh so hard to my stomach, well done. insanely hilarious if you aren't a prude and think from a guy's perspective. i like how it's english (british-ly written). do guys seriously have this amazing of a life? i'm glad i got it for cheap during BBF's book sale. that's one good book out of the three.

- this guy: jack samsonite is just.. all i can say is that he really is a total twat and i'm pretty sure his life is cursed looking at all the events that happened in the book. aiyaiyai. and oh i loved the twist at the end. amazing.

- my favourite characters are well.. all the characters were total idiots so if i had to pick, em probably. she's really nice despite all the shit she has to go through with jack.
- i imagined jack maynard as james and conor maynard as tim. it was a good fit.

i'm nineteen. i'm in my last year of being considered as a "teen". i'm entering into degree. and my heart is in pain.

reasons why my heart is in pain;
- i'm leaving my college friends and i'm still finding it hard to let them go. i know we could meet up and catch up but, i'm afraid of the thought of separation. we aren't going to see each other in four years. and those four years is a long time. i can't rule out the possibilities.
- my curse is happening again. not that it's a bad curse but i'm not proud of it either. the curse of getting close to people only after graduating is both a reward and something i regret so much about. just a little more time, maybe things could've turned out into something unexpected.
- the fact how everyone else is still together whilst i'm out of the circle is something that has always hurt me deeply. i know in the end we'd all go our separate ways but the chances of me and you are so small i'm afraid we'll fade.

a lookback to my step to adulthood post, i quoted;
- "the pathway is perfectly planned. i just hope nothing changes in the next few years."
- "have they thought about the consequences? have they thought about their pathway or their plan for their future? and what about if things don't work out? they're supposed to have a plan B. or is it just me who's thinking so much?"
i'm incredibly mad at myself for being the cause of my failure. i never would've thought numbers could easily determine your next route to take nor does it also destroy your life in one second. you don't know how many days or months i've been dwelling on this on myself. i was so angry but in my heart i expected it, i knew i wasn't that capable. but i still insist on taking on my dream.

- "everything in life will be tough which really sucks, but there's no easy road to choose from anyway."
which is right. i know not everything comes easy. i tried my best i guess. even though the result wasn't fruitful, i'm still young and it's okay to make mistakes. at the age of eighteen, you're still forgivable since we were forced to make our decisions at such a young age. so please rethink on whatever you may be doing and question yourself if you're happy with what you're doing.

- "i swear to god, i'm such a procrastinator in every single thing i do. and somehow i always manage to find a way to not mess it up. amazing is it not?
well sadly to say to you past Juniper but this time i honestly think, you fucked up. and you fucked up real bad. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i wanted to kill myself. if it wasn't for those numbers, life would have gone through so much easier for you. VERY EASIER. i hope you learn something from this, that nothing should be taken easily.

- "maybe god is nice to me after all haha."
as my mom said when i started losing hope: "god always has a plan and maybe he's telling you to go down this path after all. maybe it's the right path you never noticed."

amazingly, god really does have a plan for you regardless. my journey to finding my next destination for my future was definitely torturous yet miraculous. just as i was starting to lose hope on all things and was about to take on something that i wasn't sure i would enjoy to be doing now or in the future, god came through. of course this wouldn't have happened if my mum wasn't supportive of my decisions and created opportunities for me which lead to this miracle. so thank you mum, you helped me out so much i can't believe i deserve someone this amazing as my mother.

it's crazy how time just flies with its wings so quickly, i remember the past years didn't go so fast but recently i feel like i'm on a rocket jet to adulthood. please slow down, father time. again with the cycle, meeting new people and getting into a new life once you just started getting comfortable with the now. sigh. i wish i can put everything on pause. but i know, life goes on.

// initially i was going to comment on my perspective on love but i went side-tracked. again haha. so i guess that's a story i'll put on another day.
// with bts' new song: spring day is making me harder to leave. everytime rapmon says his line "보고싶다", i get the feeeeels.

Mount Kinabalu.

granny and dog: iconic japanese movie poster.

i'm pretty sure i took too many pictures with sther. i honestly felt like i was doing a photoshoot lol (so not used to it but it was fun). is this what girlfriends feel like when their boyfriend help them to take pictures? takes a lot of thick face to do this LOL.

sohais.

keen&charles' braid turns out looking better than how i braid.

photography skills on point.

typical tourist picture.

they really went and do it...

look at sther's face HAHAHA.

i thought i was at Taj Mahal when i saw this.

she's clearly excited.

some houses on the hill.

GOPRO effect.

OG pic.

this place reminded me on the runaway bike scene in "legend of the blue sea".

when the mist started to come in!

two happy girls, one confused goat.

i borrowed esther's hat and looked japanese. konichiwa!

i found a big leaf and pretended to be totoro.

and they went and did it HAHAH.

after coming back from kundasang, we finally did the thing we wanted to do most in sabah in which where you can't do anywhere else. EATING CHEAP SEAFOOD. i had the BEST SEAFOOD DINNER at a cheap price of all time. hashtag bless man. i had a food coma after that. bless seafood. but we were still bored so what did we think of doing for our last night in sabah? we went to mcdonald's LOL. you can't escape mcd anywhere son.

we got so high after mcd we had a party in the hotel room.

we tried another sabah delicacy called roti kahwin. it's basically just bread with kaya and butter married to each other. is that their definition of kahwin lol? we had a good munch and a long sleep to the airport to prepare our last goodbyes :(



i'm glad we didn't get into an accident along the way to the airport bc if you recall, my friend isn't an experienced driver and we kinda left her hanging driving us there with all of us asleep except her. i tried to be awake for her sake but the sleep game was too strong i fallen through. good thing nothing bad happened and we reached there safely. bidding our farewell to huini was defo the most painful :( but at least we got to talk to her cute brother hahaha. and thanks so much for mama ng too xx.

we chilled around the airport and checked out the place and ohmygod did i tell u how expensive their ice cream was at mcdonald's? i mean it's the airport ofc it's pricey but RM2 for an ice cream? puh-leasseee no thank you. charles and keen got stopped at the gate for not having this crucial piece of paper which got us super freaking worried that they couldn't come back with us but the lady that was lecturing them helped them out so thanks lady!

we got on our plane as me and esther sat at a different location than the others. instead of sleeping on our way back, me and esther ended up talking the entire journey back. i think it started when i asked about something deep and with girls, any deep topic can bring us talking till tomorrow morning. i get the feeling me and esther just didn't want the experience to stop yet. i'm glad we did. it was a memorable heart-to-heart talk on the plane. it was really special.


arriving at KLIA2, we booked two different taxis. the taxi driver i got was really chatty and friendly bc he was one of those typical chinese uncles hahaha it was cute. we came to nadayu with my brothers there waiting for my arrival already. i lowkey wished they came later so that i can have more time to talk to them but i knew it was something i couldn't avoid. we all exchanged hugs as we said bye. i hugged them so tight and i really refuse to let go of them.

they're marked as really special people in my book. bc if you know me, in terms of the friends i choose, most of them are the ones i considered close. if you weren't close, i would cut contact with you entirely. i guess this is my story of being an introvert haha. i love them to the bottom of my heart and i wish them the best in their degree paths. ofc i will try to refrain myself from misbelieving the ugly truth but it's hard for me okay.

i'm happy i agreed to come on this sabah trip. i'm happy i got to spend my last moments with them with something so memorable. thank you esther, zr, charles, keen, janice and huini for being there. i wish i could've met our other sabah friends: yt and joe too. i wish the whole gang could've joined us in our adventure: yx, sherman, danson, kenwen, ben too i guess lol. thank you starting off my 2017 with a blast. love you guys always.

// if you found it tiring to read the whole post, i made a mini recap video on my instagram right here: https://www.instagram.com/p/BPpPsccFQiZ/?taken-by=j.vni&hl=en
i knew i could've given it to you sooner but my hard work of writing would go to waste without anyone reading it right? XD
// typing this post, especially the farewell part makes me so emotional.
// i'll miss you guys. thanks for being a big part of my life. i love you.