i'm nineteen. i'm in my last year of being considered as a "teen". i'm entering into degree. and my heart is in pain.

reasons why my heart is in pain;
- i'm leaving my college friends and i'm still finding it hard to let them go. i know we could meet up and catch up but, i'm afraid of the thought of separation. we aren't going to see each other in four years. and those four years is a long time. i can't rule out the possibilities.
- my curse is happening again. not that it's a bad curse but i'm not proud of it either. the curse of getting close to people only after graduating is both a reward and something i regret so much about. just a little more time, maybe things could've turned out into something unexpected.
- the fact how everyone else is still together whilst i'm out of the circle is something that has always hurt me deeply. i know in the end we'd all go our separate ways but the chances of me and you are so small i'm afraid we'll fade.

a lookback to my step to adulthood post, i quoted;
- "the pathway is perfectly planned. i just hope nothing changes in the next few years."
- "have they thought about the consequences? have they thought about their pathway or their plan for their future? and what about if things don't work out? they're supposed to have a plan B. or is it just me who's thinking so much?"
i'm incredibly mad at myself for being the cause of my failure. i never would've thought numbers could easily determine your next route to take nor does it also destroy your life in one second. you don't know how many days or months i've been dwelling on this on myself. i was so angry but in my heart i expected it, i knew i wasn't that capable. but i still insist on taking on my dream.

- "everything in life will be tough which really sucks, but there's no easy road to choose from anyway."
which is right. i know not everything comes easy. i tried my best i guess. even though the result wasn't fruitful, i'm still young and it's okay to make mistakes. at the age of eighteen, you're still forgivable since we were forced to make our decisions at such a young age. so please rethink on whatever you may be doing and question yourself if you're happy with what you're doing.

- "i swear to god, i'm such a procrastinator in every single thing i do. and somehow i always manage to find a way to not mess it up. amazing is it not?
well sadly to say to you past Juniper but this time i honestly think, you fucked up. and you fucked up real bad. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i wanted to kill myself. if it wasn't for those numbers, life would have gone through so much easier for you. VERY EASIER. i hope you learn something from this, that nothing should be taken easily.

- "maybe god is nice to me after all haha."
as my mom said when i started losing hope: "god always has a plan and maybe he's telling you to go down this path after all. maybe it's the right path you never noticed."

amazingly, god really does have a plan for you regardless. my journey to finding my next destination for my future was definitely torturous yet miraculous. just as i was starting to lose hope on all things and was about to take on something that i wasn't sure i would enjoy to be doing now or in the future, god came through. of course this wouldn't have happened if my mum wasn't supportive of my decisions and created opportunities for me which lead to this miracle. so thank you mum, you helped me out so much i can't believe i deserve someone this amazing as my mother.

it's crazy how time just flies with its wings so quickly, i remember the past years didn't go so fast but recently i feel like i'm on a rocket jet to adulthood. please slow down, father time. again with the cycle, meeting new people and getting into a new life once you just started getting comfortable with the now. sigh. i wish i can put everything on pause. but i know, life goes on.

// initially i was going to comment on my perspective on love but i went side-tracked. again haha. so i guess that's a story i'll put on another day.
// with bts' new song: spring day is making me harder to leave. everytime rapmon says his line "보고싶다", i get the feeeeels.