smile.: May 2015

personality-wise, i have a lot. i think i have a split personality even. but you know what they say, people act differently with different people. there's the confident and ambitious me, me who looks at herself in the mirror and say 'hey i look beautiful. i love how my eyes shine under the sun. i wonder if this ever mesmerizes anyone before.' or 'i think i look prettier up close', this comes up whenever i say that, a quote from margo in paper towns; "Everything's uglier up close". Me who wishes to meet lots of new people, in school or on the internet. but kids in school all stay in their pack like wolves, and those who don't are cool but they're not as faithful as you would think they'd be, the lone wolf. unless you treat them better than the thousands of people they've met. good luck with that. the thing about me is that i am just not approachable, i can't keep conversations flowing and awkward silences always come to haunt me. and i am always in my pack too. i'm pretty sure even if i got out of my pack, no one would come otherwise. i have to go. and i'm scared. so to say, it's not you it's me.

on the contrary, the internet is my comfort zone. where my social skills really adapt. because on the internet, people actually judge you through your personality. they are the true kind of people to befriend with. in reality, people see you first, your face. your body and your popularity. befriend you to just get fame, and that makes you happy? i've been on many sites, never put on a profile picture and people just treat me like i'm their close bud, easily i found a friend. conversing on the internet is amazing because i actually get time to think of a smart reply that won't leave people hanging with awkward laughing. the internet is seriously one of the best places for me. even though there are haters and trolls, people think differently. they have their mindset and it's not necessary for you to follow along. you do what you want. in society, you are forced to fit in. on the internet, you do what the hell you want to do. be who you want to be, and eventually the right people will come to you.

i guess someone will say "if you think like that on the internet, society is the same as well. just be yourself." well guess what honey, i've been myself for almost all of my life, still i haven't met any strangers who would come to really like me as i am and say "hey you're cool. i want to be friends with you.". if i met you on the internet for many years and liked you for your personality and interests, even if you're ugly af, i would still be your friend. people in society all they do is judge, judge, judge and people do as they say. they're happy to be what society wants them to be? but hey there are people who are different like me, we're friendly on the internet and cold on the outside. she's quiet on the outside better not approach her. wow she's actually nice on the interne! maybe i misunderstood her. or another case, he looks super duper friendly on the net though but he is so cold to people in person. people will just be people and there's nothing we can do about it. i know this behaviour won't get me a lot of friends, but i think i'll be happy with the friends i got. end.

// basically what i'm trying to say here is that i am not good at conversing in reality because i can't do it and i don't attract people to do it either unless i really really really really like you but yes honestly my real personality, like the real me is how i'm acting on the internet. if we ever meet, i'm sorry that you have to do the work to talk to me not because i'm super cocky, i'm just shy and awkward af. but i'll try my best to get my courage to initiate a conversation first.

// i was going to talk about my different personalities but looks like i turned this into an essay haha. i guess next time then. a lot more to come.

// they tar-ed the road and i'm loving the pavement. i'm going skateboarding soon.

let me reintroduce myself. hi. my name is juniper. it's actually jing lin. i got this name juniper because i find christian names cool and no one really remembered me by my chinese name. i wanted to be like ace which her name's isn't ace and she's in the same case as me. i wanted to try to make everyone remember me as juniper but i'm afraid to tell people about my name because i think people will find it pretty weird. i'm actually happy that people still call me by my chinese name because if not, i won't be connected with my inner chinese and i will bring shame and dishonour to my family. haha no it's because my family speaks chinese in the house so i need to keep intact with my chinese.

i'm seventeen this year. it's my senior year. i wanted to try to be the cool popular senior kids like the ones in my brother's year but it's harder than i expected. we liked them immediately but maybe i thought wrong for this batch of seniors. or maybe juniors are just cocky. but i don't like pleasing people who won't like me for me so i don't do pleasing. or maybe i'm cocky. no actually i'm not. i'm just really shy, awkward and i don't dare to confront people because my conversations don't flow. to be honest, sometimes i want to be the mysterious type of person that people wanna know more about but i guess i don't give off that vibe. people just catch glimpses of me.

i'm really happy to get out of this school. even though there were nice memories, the last two years of high school had left a deep scar on me. and right now i currently don't like anyone in my school. i don't hate them and i have stopped caring so i'm okay and neutral. i wish i can find someone i can relate to. my happiest year in high school was in form 2 when i actually felt belonged somewhere. i was actually in a dilemma whether i fit in there or there. and i was happy to have chosen the right choice. honestly i think i just budged in i don't think i was actually considered a 'someone' in the group. it was also the year i met and made my first friend who would actually stick to me. she was like the dan to my phil. but now we're just neutral friends. in my five years of high school, i think i didn't succeed in meeting a friend who commits to me as much i commit to them. oh well maybe college will be different. dan didn't had a best friend in 18 years of his life until he met phil on the internet. i wish that would happen to me as well. end.

xx.
// i decided to type this to remind myself of who i am. i type as if i'm talking to a stranger who knows nothing about me. so i am going to be 100% honest about all my thoughts and the dumb things i want to do in my head. i don't care, you can judge me all you want, at least i'm being honest.
// i'm going to do reintro part by part from school, physical appearance, emotional experiences, interests and other things.
// if you have any questions after reading this or realised new things about me through this, just come by and talk to me about it, i am completely happy to share more and maybe this might be more inspiration for me to learn more about myself and blog it here.
// reintro part two when i have time.

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