when i felt angry:
"i miss the old you"
"i can't date someone with no intentions of loving me anymore."
"why did you give up so easily"
"i wish i knew what i saw wasn't you"
"please, no more promises."
"stop hurting me."
"what a mistake."
"i honestly want nothing to do with you right now."

when i think of reasons i should stop thinking about you:
"you're a combination of everything you say about other people."
"almost every good moment we had accompanied a dark backstory and that's one of the reasons why i won't date you ever again"
"how are you able to put yourself in that position again and again if it keeps hurting you."
"i guess if you're the type of guy who simply falls in love and date other people, i wouldn't have liked you anyway."
"you can't fix yourself or allow people to help you if you keep breaking someone else."
"why are you so inconsistent"

when i felt lonely:
"life kinda sucks without you but, i'll be fine sooner or later."
"i wonder if you still have a soft spot for me."
"why is the timing always so shitty"
"i'm still finding it hard to breathe"
"i treated you really badly and you didn't deserved that. i'm sorry."
"it was fun while it lasted."
"it's funny how you can miss someone you don't love"

what i constantly remind myself:
"you can't work on him putting in his investment."
"the force keeping them together is lesser than the force pulling them apart"
"i kept things low-key not because i was ashamed of us, if you trusted me you'll know that when the day comes, i'll talk about u to the whole world."
"as long as we knew what we did wrong and we own up to it, that's all that matters."
"it wouldn't be difficult if it was meant to be."
"don't settle for someone who isn't fully there for you."


ADVICE for the next:
1. try your best not to be too petty. even though i understand as a girlfriend, you would expect your boyfriend to do the simple things a boyfriend should do but don't expect too much. and maybe they'll  feel more appreciative of you doing that and actually do the things you expect him to do.
2.  refrain from inflicting verbal damage.
3. i think at this point i'm comfortable in telling my parents that i'm seeing guys now. i used to be so afraid and lied to them which honestly is something i never wanna do again.
4. no hiding and increase confidence when you're around them. they picked you for a reason so just show them everything about you.

status: i'm doing great when i'm not seeing you. i feel awkward talking to you. am i supposed to be your friend? i mean it's kinda a waste how we know each other so well to end this. we ended on kinda good note and had a distant phase. but i don't want to give/cause any misunderstandings of me doing so. i don't think anyone really become friends with their exes right? heartbreak made me lost 8 kg, which is surprising. i'm eating fine now. sometimes i feel lonely but i remind myself that i've been like this before i met you so this is nothing. i still think and get angry about how you look like you're moving on just fine. yeah it pisses me off but i guess that's what motivating me to do what u do too. maybe you're numb to the pain, which is why it may be easier for you. but damn, i hope the next one doesn't end up this painful. i'm still in progress. hoping for a good one.

you know, i think about you a lot.
i guess it's time i write about you.

ks, jn, ht, yd, zx, jaen.

hello internet :))
long time no blog! i know. it's been a hectic semester for me. becaaaaaause.. i finally started university! i feel so old. i never imagined myself to use the word 'university' at all because it's such a big word. but turns out i'm a big university girl now, time sure flies. so much has happened in just one month of uni (i shit you not, one month). and the rest of the year turned to be very eventful, which i honestly don't regret.

my first week in uni was total shit, this is why:
1. i almost got sent away on my first day of uni
2. i'm living alone outside on my own for the first time
3. i had a mishap with the MPU modules

but the orientation helped me a lot in terms of making new friends and expanding my social network (socially awkward me talking about expanding my social circle?). i have decided that after foundation i would try to make a new image for myself. a very helpful life advice i got from a friend and has now became my life motto is "don't give a f*ck". and that is exactly what i did. i wanted to stop playing pretend and just be myself in front of other people. surprisingly i was able to do so and i managed to become the everyone's happy vitamin.

my first friends in uni are zx and jaen. i met them after i dealt with the messy condition i was in and joined back the orientation. i was alone by my own and left my bags at the table when i went to use to rest room. after i came back, i was greeted by someone place taking up my space (like wtf yo i chop dy). but since i had no friends i might as well take this opportunity to make some. jaen greeted me back warmly and soon later zx joined us too. and that's how i met my first friends in uni! a misfortune turned into a treasure <3

and then came the orientation games. i really dreaded this tbh because it really sucks how i just met new friends but they can't be in my orientation because we'll be distributed via lots. i guess i can understand that since they want everyone to socialize and meet new people. i ended up in group 4. the number 4 has honestly been a cursed number for me ever since i started uni. 4 actually means die in chinese, and the fact that number 4 was also the passing rate of the extra english test i had to do but most importantly, the number that f*cked up my choosing for my MPU elective. anyways, i was the second person to enter group 4 and that's where i met ht. he was chosen as the group leader and i was the group's assistant leader. we actually did pretty bad during the games HAHAHA but at least we had fun.

with meeting ht, i got to meet yd and ks along with attending my first university parTAYYYY. ht invited me and my two friends to a party in the hostel hosted by our seniors. so you would think there would be: alcohol, loud music, getting drunk and making out. you're wrong. it was a "family-friendly" party but i did get to meet a lot of people that turned out to be my course mates and helpful seniors too. and i had fun.

after the party, me, zx, jaen, ht, yd and ks decided to eat together for lunch and that was how the MPU gang was formed dundundunnnnn. the first few nights with them were fucking amazing. we'd eat dinner together and have late night talks till 3AM, getting to know more about each other by telling stories about ourselves. my senior would always walk by after extracurricular activities and tell us kids to go to sleep earlier because we'd have 8AM class the next day. i thought: "this is the family i'm going to live with for the rest of my university life and i can say i'm so blessed".

it's been over a semester and sadly, a lot of things have changed. the MPU gang is no more sad to say, we all kinda went our separate ways due to some issues. turns out when you get to know more about someone and the more comfortable you get to being yourself, there are people who aren't as compatible as you think. sad but true. the guy who i met during orientation became my first-ever boyfriend. and life is so far so good. there's been a lot of ups and downs too. but i'm trying to make my ups more than my downs this 2018. wish me luck! and congratz if you read this far, i appreciate that c: