hey, my first love.
a guy who picked me out of every other pretty girl there is in IMU.
a guy who made me open up to who i really was.
a guy who was so relatable, it was honestly insane.
a guy who lived through my childhood, loved the same music, and shared the same humour.
most importantly, a guy who was genuine in showing his heart.

you fixed my broken milk pin by scarring yourself and had trouble with superglue.
you accompanied me during all the times i was lonely at the start of university.
you paid attention to a tiny detail i said and got me my favourite plushie.

you took your time to pick me from such a far distance.
you brought me to explore new places and installed more memories of you inside me.
you confessed in a way that it could only happen in a fairy tale.
i really enjoyed your company. so so much.

being with you was blissful; but it was a tragedy too.
every date we went on was a great time, but every moment behind it was another story.
we choose to see the best side of each other and try to fix what was broken.
but i guess both of us hit our limit at some point and it was time to stop.

having my first heartbreak,
god it was so fucking painful. probably the most pain i felt in my entire life.
slowly progressing through the stages of the break up was so hard each day.
i was filled with sadness, anger, regret, doubt on why we couldn't make it.
seeing you in university made it even harder, cause looking at you made my heart ache.

it's been almost a month since we didn't talk.

i won't deny that my mind thinks about you and how you're doing.

are you fine? are you handling this well? or do you still consider taking me back?
these are questions that i will never know the answers to. and that's fine.
this makes moving on easier as the person i should really be taking care of is me.

how am i doing after a month?

i took time, self-reflected and admitted the fact that we weren't meant to be.
with our personality contrast and different views, it couldn't go on long either way.
i was bad to you in my own way, and you were bad to me in your own way.
my relationship with you was honestly toxic. and i thought i could be the person to fix you.
but i was the one getting affected and i started looking at myself in the mirror different.
we were not good for each other as a couple. friends? maybe otherwise.

i guess what i'm missing right now isn't you; but the memories you gave me.

i had no regrets on making you my first,
because i knew we loved each other. we truly did and i know that.
you did a good job of being the most amazing boyfriend at the start.
but every good story has an ending. we're just not sure if it'll be a happy or a sad one.

the start was something out of a fairy tale and i'm happy i was able to experience that from you.
the only thing i regretted was seeing the other side of you i wished i didn't.
and to have someone like you as my first, it wasn't a good decision but i loved you already.

i guess it's time to stop looking back and start moving forward.
i honestly really miss you and what we had didn't go in vain.
but i'm ready to move on from you. and i hope the best for you in life and everything you do.
loved, ur smol bean.

HT. 24/10/17 - 01/05/18

31/05/18 - we're cool. 100% raw honesty.