Goodbye 2014. Hello 2015.
Please don't suck.
thinking back to my hospital days, all i ever gotten was nightmares.
it was terrifying to see no movements, as if i was paralyzed, as if i was dead.
all day i would ever do at home is sleep,
waiting for people to feed me, bathe me, and comfort me.
i was so hopeless, i was useless.
when i woke up one morning, wanting to crawl out of bed,
i couldn't. i desperately keened for help. but words couldn't come out my mouth.
because i couldn't believe how numb i was, a person who couldn't even crawl out on her own.
tears broke out.
tears broke out.
when i was waiting in the hospital bed, panicked about what they would do to me.
mom held my hand and told me: "everything is going to be okay."
when they called out my name, seated me on the bed,
mom held my hand tight until i had to go in. the moment she let go it was devastating.
it felt as if that was the last time i could never see her again.
i had to go to the hospital monthly, getting check-ups and medicine.
seeing the same doctor every month. going to the same place every month.
withstanding the pain of my first stitching, i almost fainted.
my first time going out to a place with a cast on, it was embarrassing i couldn't even look.
because i know how i'd get looked at. because i look at them that exact way.
i was scared. but mom was there. she was a big help.
strangers were showing sympathy. some who never cared suddenly cared.
friends were great. they didn't show worried looks on their face.
instead they joke around and played with my cast. i'm very thankful.
some said that i use my broken arm as an excuse to avoid any labour.
to be honest, it was half true and half false. i don't want to break my arm again.
even a fight out of nowhere, saying i could've done better. i was scared. sorry.
and that made me felt even more useless, making me sadder than before.
i added oil to the fire. saying: "let's see how'd you like it if you broke your arm?"
but i'm glad that it's settled now.
you might say: "this is just a small problem, what are you being so drastic for?"
i'm a pessimist and i do not like getting hurt. for all this time i've been avoiding it.
even a small cut on my finger could make me feel like dying, i have low pain tolerance.
until now. i am broken. in and out.
i did get a lot of first experiences though. like sitting on my first wheelchair.
getting to relax at home for a month, watching bethany mota's videos and anime.
i wouldn't have gotten interest into fashion if i haven't done that.
plus internet surfing for new music like peacook affect.
at least everything wasn't all just a bad dream.
people say when you come out of a hospital,
you change into a whole another different person.
i guess that was true.
but i don't hate that person.
that person is now more stronger. more mature, and more of a realist.
she can handle tough times, knows what to expect and not give a damn about it.
i'm proud of her xx.
don't pity me after reading this. don't do things you wouldn't do.
you've never seen this. i'm only writing this to myself.
well at least you know my story. bye & have a lovely day.
// i want to write a book about my high school life in the future. each volume of each year of my days in high school. let's see if i'll turn into a writer in the future.
there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses
to stop kissing the shore line no matter how many times it is sent away.
Hello internet!
It's been awhile since i've blogged, eh? Well actually I secretly did prepare things to blog about (oops secret's out how exciting), they're pretty blank but I will fill them up soon so stay tuned:)
So i've been on a three day trip to kuantan. tbh it's really nothing special. This is actually the second time i went there. I just thought I took really nice photos so I just wanted to put them on my blog. We slept at the Swiss Garden resort & spa. My mom has some sort of membership with swiss garden idk. The reception was horrible. We had to wait for more than half an hour just to get a room because none were available pshh talk about bad service. But we did get free wifi for three days as compensation (luckyy). Anyways, we went swimming after that. It's been awhile since I last swam because of my broken arm it was so greeeat to swim again. Plus we found a ball that someone abandoned in the pool lolzor. We went for a walk at the beach at night (p.s best feeling ever). The breeze, scenery and sound of waves going back and forth the shore. i wish i lived by the sea.
Not to mention the buffet dinner was AMAZING. It has everything that i would ever wanted. Lobster, crabs, prawns, oysters, hot dogs, chicken, tortillas, spaghetti (both carbonara and bolognaise), pizza, cupcakes, macaroons, cakes, chocolates, pineapple fried rice, ice cream (with tons of toppings to choose from), fruit, salad, marshmallows and A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. CHOCOLATE FOUNTAAAAIN! I even prayed my belly to stay hungry so I can eat everything on the menu (god i am such a fat ass haha). The waiter was totes nice too. It was honestly the best of the best meals i ever ate so far. Later we went to the play room to play wii-u sports and carrom (which i almost won my mom goddamn it).
Sometimes I do wish that the sea in malaysia could be crystal green like the one i saw at langkawi. It's disappointing to see the sea brown-ish on the pictures i took and comparing it to the seas at other countries. On the day going home (restaurant recommendation lol), we went muar-e kopitiam. It was the regular asian kopitiam and i'd have to say that the food was really good and their milo was perfection (i go to kopitiams to drink milo lol. i don't like coffee k). And I guess that's it, we went home and do a lot of laundry.
mkay bye xx.
// i felt like i've changed this month idk. it's not a big change but y'know.
// a goddamned lizard fell on my hand and i literally squirmed a little. i didn't know lizard skin felt like rubber. atleast it's better than cockroaches yikes.
// i went to the big bad wolf sale and i have to say that i'm really disappointed. the prices were good, food was good but i couldn't find the exact books i wanted because the place was hugeee.
// i need to stop this habit of making the same picture as my profile picture for every single social media. idk it's hard to see me look good in a picture for once that i can't help it.
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| Margo Roth Spiegelman |
"I could never stop thinking that maybe she loved mysteries so much that she became one."
"Tonight, darling, we are going to right a lot of wrongs. And we are going to wrong some rights."
"And now life has become the future. Every moment of your life is lived for the future."
"That's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people would want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfast cereals based on color instead of taste."
"When you say nasty things about people, you should never say the true ones, because you can't really fully and honestly take those back, you know?"
"Everything's uglier up close."
"Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident. And less when you're not."
"Poetry is just so emo."
"I felt so detached from all this shit, all this high-school-is-ending-so-we-have-to-reveal-that-deep-down-we-all-love-everybody bullshit."
"This is what I liked most about my friends: just sitting around and telling stories."
"The town was paper, but the memories were not."
"It is so hard to leave - until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world."
"I don't know how I look, but I know how I feel: Young. Goofy. Infinite."
"It is easy to forget how full the world is full of people."
"Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn't the way they actually are."
"Maybe I am the most horribly self-centered person in the history of the world."
Letters to weilyn & sn;
This book was honestly amazing as you guys described it. Part one made my adrenaline rush. Part two and three were good but i wish there was more margo. But part of me still likes Looking for Alaska more than Paper Towns. Maybe because i think looking for alaska is more realistic i don't knoww. But yes, it was a really good read thanks for recommending:)
Review:
- i think john green made the right choice for choosing cara delevingne as margo. i could imagine her as i read the book and Q too. beautiful choice.
- my favourite characters were margo (she's amazing), ben and lacey, mushy but cute.
// margo reminds me of samantha. coincidence?
// next book: will grayson, will grayson.
