thinking back to my hospital days, all i ever gotten was nightmares.

it was terrifying to see no movements, as if i was paralyzed, as if i was dead.

all day i would ever do at home is sleep,

waiting for people to feed me, bathe me, and comfort me.

i was so hopeless, i was useless.

when i woke up one morning, wanting to crawl out of bed,

i couldn't. i desperately keened for help. but words couldn't come out my mouth.

because i couldn't believe how numb i was, a person who couldn't even crawl out on her own.
tears broke out.

when i was waiting in the hospital bed, panicked about what they would do to me.

mom held my hand and told me: "everything is going to be okay."

when they called out my name, seated me on the bed,

mom held my hand tight until i had to go in. the moment she let go it was devastating.

it felt as if that was the last time i could never see her again.

i had to go to the hospital monthly, getting check-ups and medicine.

seeing the same doctor every month. going to the same place every month.

withstanding the pain of my first stitching, i almost fainted.

my first time going out to a place with a cast on, it was embarrassing i couldn't even look.

because i know how i'd get looked at. because i look at them that exact way.

i was scared. but mom was there. she was a big help.

strangers were showing sympathy. some who never cared suddenly cared.

friends were great. they didn't show worried looks on their face.

instead they joke around and played with my cast. i'm very thankful.

some said that i use my broken arm as an excuse to avoid any labour.

to be honest, it was half true and half false. i don't want to break my arm again.

even a fight out of nowhere, saying i could've done better. i was scared. sorry.

and that made me felt even more useless, making me sadder than before.

i added oil to the fire. saying: "let's see how'd you like it if you broke your arm?"

but i'm glad that it's settled now.

you might say: "this is just a small problem, what are you being so drastic for?"

i'm a pessimist and i do not like getting hurt. for all this time i've been avoiding it.

even a small cut on my finger could make me feel like dying, i have low pain tolerance.

until now. i am broken. in and out.

i did get a lot of first experiences though. like sitting on my first wheelchair.

getting to relax at home for a month, watching bethany mota's videos and anime.

i wouldn't have gotten interest into fashion if i haven't done that.

plus internet surfing for new music like peacook affect.

at least everything wasn't all just a bad dream.

people say when you come out of a hospital,

you change into a whole another different person.

i guess that was true.

but i don't hate that person.

that person is now more stronger. more mature, and more of a realist.

she can handle tough times, knows what to expect and not give a damn about it. 

i'm proud of her xx.

don't pity me after reading this. don't do things you wouldn't do.

you've never seen this. i'm only writing this to myself.

well at least you know my story. bye & have a lovely day.

// i want to write a book about my high school life in the future. each volume of each year of my days in high school. let's see if i'll turn into a writer in the future.