Don't you sometimes just get the feeling of hating yourself? I may not look like it cause people say I'm happy-go-lucky. To be honest, I'm more vulnerable than you expect.

It was a usual night after saying goodnight to my dear mother and brother. I went into my room drawing stuff on my adventure journal. I made it a few days ago and I'm loving it. After I ran out of ideas, washed my face, brushed my teeth and switched off the lights, I cover myself in my blankets not able to sleep and having deep thoughts.

Me: Please let me sleep..
Brain: Nahh. Let's think about all the stupid things you've done the past few years.
Me: Okay.

I thought about how I RUINED myself.
1. Eyes - Played too much games and got horrible and high eyesight that's going to be hard to heal. Hoping I won't turn blind.
2. Nose - Not letting my mom squeeze my bones when it was still soft.
3. Teeth - Afraid to go to the dentist and delayed the teeth plucking, the teeth turned out unarranged and untidy.
4. Ears - I still don't have any piercings and scared to get one cause everyone says it's better to do it when you're little.
5. Toes - Due to my hate for shopping I rather don't tell my mom that my shoes were too small for me than go for a short trip to the shoe store.

I just wish I can just get Doctor Who's time-teleporting telephone booth and go back time to tell myself all the stupid things I've done. But yeah you can't buy time with money. Partially I think it's kinda my mom's fault for not forcing me to do stuff, making me terrified of just a little bit of pain. Still mostly I'm the main blame.

Tears flew out and words came to mind: "When can I just be pretty like them?"
Mkay bye:)

// Silent night, making me think into deep thoughts, you're so cruel to make me cry.