"Maggie will say she wishes she looked like me and I'll say I wish I looked like her. And it won't make a bit of difference, because two minutes later, we'll both be sitting here in our same bodies, except we'll have managed to make ourselves feel bad over something we can't change."
- The Carrie Diaries.

Hello internet.

Like any typical girl, I too have insecurities. Especially since I'm unpopular nor have many friends. No girl likes to hear someone who's honestly better than themselves saying: oh my god I am so lame/ugly/dumb etc. I know my friends don't cause maybe they see the bright side of me like how I see them. Most girls deny compliments even if it came from the heart. But have you ever wondered why? Because they probably have a different view than you do. How are you supposed to fix that? By listening to friends on how they see you and maybe boost some of that self-confidence. Depending whether the fact is actually valid or not. And that is why today, I would like to tell my reasons why I am insecure, why I feel like I have the worse life among my friends.

✡ Socially awkward

Most of my friends deny the fact that I call myself socially awkward and maybe there are others who thinks that I only say that cause she wanted to relate to Dan Howell. Here's my point of view, honestly I am an extrovert on the internet and an introvert in reality. I don't know why but I think it's because I'm the type who can't exactly talk to you in your face. I'm terrified to see what kind of reaction you would have whenever I accidentally said something wrong or inappropriate. Since I can't see your facial expressions on the net, I can take some time to think of a better response or even a funny pun so you and I, would both be comfortable. I have a friend who said "you're not awkward, look at the number of friends you have!". Hey, the number of friends I have doesn't determine how I'm not awkward. Plus I don't exactly call people I'm not close with 'friends', they're only acquaintances. Nothing special going on between us at all. On the contrary, to the friend who said this to me, you're the one with the friends. You may not have many friends, but all the friends you have now are close to you. So honestly you'd be the winner in this case.

✡ The Looks

First off, I'm not insecure to the extent that I call myself hideous. That only happens depending on the situation. I am grateful to have been born without a problem with a loving family and is living in Malaysia where hardly any natural disasters occur. There are other people who have it a lot worse. But yeah we all have that mood that says 'hmm i actually look good for once' and sometimes 'ew' during the days. I called myself average but lately I got insecure and I dropped a level. How is beauty determined? I'm not sure but I think beauty is determined by the number of people who calls you pretty, especially guys. Now you may think, why should beauty be determined by guys? That's ridiculous. But girl truth is, beauty attracts the opposite gender. Who are we looking pretty for? Everyone of course. But who gets attracted? Girls yes, but it's the boys. Around me, usually the skinny girls attract boys. People would say:

"You ain't bad yourself y'know."
"Well I don't feel like it."
"Don't you know guys like girls with boobs and butt?"
"No, from what I researched, guys like skinny girls who have boobs and butt. Skinny girls comes second and chubby girls with boobs and butt come last. Guys don't like girls who are fat because they look unhealthy."
"Then explain why xxx can get guys when she's chubby and has boobs and butt?"
"Because she has a pretty face and she exercises."
End of story.

✡ Talent-less

I have a friend who's talented and smart, two best things in the world right there. And another friend who's a piano prodigy. I seriously don't know what I'm good at. Since young, I was convinced that I was an artist. But aye my drawings are pretty lame compared to Carmen. I am trying to develop skills like learning the ukulele, singing, writing, playing games(?), and even skating. I always wanted to skate but apparently there's only one place with flat ground to skate and it's at the park, filled with some drop-outs who skateboard. Nope, not taking a chance to make friends with them and see them skateboard while I wear on my skates and safety gear because "apparently" skateboarding is "cooler". I'll just skate at home.

✡ Music taste

My music taste is different than anyone else. But I really wish I could find a partner to share that music with. Like there's the group of hipsters in our school, I listen to a few hipster groups but whenever I try to join in the hipsters, they hardly care so- whatever then. I do listen to some music that I've never told anyone else but then someone happens to like the same music I do. I try to tell them "hey I love them too. when did you start listening?" and they go "long time ago". And I'm like stunned, is this a competition or something? And so happens this person shares that music out to the whole world but ended up being 'cool'. You get so angered up and thoughts like "I knew them first" or "Oh my god you-" pops out. People only get interested in your stuff if you're popular or hipster. Cause looks like hipster is the new trend now. Everyone is trying to be different and actually showing it.

And there you have it. A passage of my rants and thoughts in one post.

I sound pretty judgemental but aren't we all?

Have a lovely day. mkay bye xx.

// my john green book set came by the mail. sincerely happy.

// getting sick of the people here.